I cannot even count the number of times that I heard this growing up. Do what I say, not what I do…it always felt so unfair and as it turns out, science has found that the vast majority of what we learn is not from what is said but what is modeled for us, what we see.
Today, I was taking some time to reflect on my own family and came to a rather unpleasant realization (bear with me as I need to set the stage). Those that know me, know I am fiercely committed to my children and always working to learn more to do better as a parent. In fact, most of what I read and research has to do with parenting and children’s development. I want to ensure that I am doing the best I can for my kids so that they grow up happy, healthy, well adjusted and essentially good humans. I also have a great deal of empathy for my husband, as ways of doing things in our home are ever-evolving. I can only imagine how exhausting it is trying to stay caught up. I also know, that as a whole, parenting is really the only job for which we believe we know best without any training or expectation of continuing education. I wouldn’t walk into a kitchen and call myself a chef and believe that meant I knew what I was doing or onto an oilfield and just start messing with things. However, I had kids and so therefore I’m a parent and I know what’s best; it seems peculiar. Especially when you consider that it’s the same thing we’ve been doing for generations, leading to passing on a lot of, at times, harmful strategies for raising kids. How many things can you look back on in your own childhood and while you understand that your parents were doing the best they knew to do, that you needed it to be different, those things didn’t work, or worse they caused harm to you?
Anyway, through all of my learning around brain science of the developing brain, research into how learning occurs for kids and working with families and hearing the result of different ways of parenting, I’ve worked to make some changes in my own parenting to help my kids have the best shot in life. As with any relationship though, my husband and I don’t always agree and we come into this journey as parents with our own experiences, beliefs and, well, baggage.
Here comes the realization… there has been a lot of stress in our lives the past couple of weeks and it is definitely showing through for both of us. I’ve been struggling with how my husband has been handling things and I realize, I’ve been very critical of him. While my intention is good, I am sharing with him, my needs, thoughts, etc…, in the exact way I have been telling him not to deal with the kids because it doesn’t help, doesn’t lead to change, and hurts the relationship. Do as I say, not as I do…
It’s hard having moments of self awareness like this. It hurts to think the ways this has probably hurt him and not made the situation any better. Have I made him feel that he isn’t good enough? That I don’t trust him? When really what I wanted was for us to keep growing, to help him, to help our kids and to be heard? I tell him that yelling and criticizing doesn’t lead to him being heard by the kids but then I somehow have led myself to believe that it will lead to me being heard? I’ve told him he needs to be a safe place for the kids to fall but have I been a safe place for him to fall?
This is a very human, very vulnerable moment for me sharing this and I think it’s a pause that many of us need. Do what I say not what I do doesn’t work. We learn from modeling, we learn from encouragement, from humbleness and putting our ego aside. We learn from conversation, not being talked at. And yet when we feel the most unheard or helpless, we often engage in things that make this worse, not better. It isn’t just our kids that need to learn how to handle the tough stuff, most of us do too. We have learned what we saw, the result of unhealthy patterns passed down for generations, lack of knowing better, belief that we knew what was right just because we did. So a reminder that I needed and maybe you do to…Do as I do, and if I don’t want you to do that, then maybe I need to change what I’m doing.
Rules to parent by Rules to interact by:
- Be kind, be open.
- Share in the emotional experiences of those around you; be excited with them when they’re excited…bummed with them when they are bummed. Be a safe space for people to experience their emotions where you can hold space for them.
- If you don’t care in the “small” moments, why would they trust you to care when they really need you?
- Honor the intention first, even if the execution is a flop, before you address the execution.
- Practice empathy, would you like or respond to someone treating you the way you are treating them?
- Model, don’t just say, the behavior you want to see. Model staying calm, being respectful, seeing the good.
- No double standards. If you aren’t okay with someone else doing, don’t justify yourself doing it.
- Similarly, don’t try to assert your power…universal respect. Just because you are more powerful doesn’t mean your rules get to be different.
- Don’t yell. Talk calmly. No one hears what’s said when it’s being yelled, they just know to fight back, freeze, or flee…yelling triggers our survival brain.
- Listen, don’t interrupt and don’t shut down the other person. Hear them out, even if it doesn’t change the outcome, even if you don’t agree. We are all entitled to our voice.
- Remember the pennies:
- When I was teaching we were told, for difficult kids, put 5 pennies in your right pocket. Every time you say something positive, catch them doing good, move a penny to the left pocket. Every time you say something critical, move a penny back. By the end of the day, try to have more in the left pocket than the right.
- There is always good to be seen (going back to honor the intention)…put your energy towards the positive and you will see more of it.
- If you want someone to hear you, go to them (for kids, put a hand on them and get to their level).
- Talk through what you are experiencing. Cheesy as it may sound…”I statements” are huge. We don’t usually hear anything that follows “You…” other than it’s time to defend ourselves.
- Examine yourself and what you are bringing into the moment; what of your past stuff is being triggered.
- Remember that your relationship with that person is important and when the conflict/moment has passed, will you have made it stronger or weaker?
- Is your goal of feeling powerful or right in the moment, worth the damage it may cause?
- Don’t make threats…this only breeds fear, not connection or change.
- There is no quid pro quo – regardless of what you get from the other person, model what you want, don’t learn from their modeling. Don’t give anyone else control over your behavior.