A word, a concept that we so often talk about and yet I have found myself having conversations about what exactly forgiveness is. They say that you should forgive someone for yourself and yet we also ask and beg for forgiveness when we have wronged someone which seems to be more about us than them. I think that we often confuse forgiveness with excusal. I saw this awesome quote a while back that discussed that perhaps rather than saying “it’s okay” when someone apologizes, instead say “thank you”. We are often resistant to forgive because we feel that it means we are saying that what was done “is okay” and the reality is “I’m sorry” doesn’t just make things okay and when we think that it does, then of course we would ask for forgiveness so we can be “let off the hook”. When forgiveness means exonerating someone, it also makes sense why we say that some things are unforgiveable, because many things will never be okay. Going full circle, if this is what forgiveness means, then how can we ever find peace and how is forgiving someone about us and our peace?
Despite how often we associate the two…forgiveness is not saying something is okay and is turns out forgiveness is about our own peace. When we don’t forgive someone, we continue to carry the hurt, anger, resentment, pain around with us and the belief that what someone did to us is about us and our worth (or I suppose lack thereof). Forgiveness is actually about being able to have empathy (not sympathy) in terms of understanding what may have been going on for that person and recognition that it is not about us. I recently talked to someone about one of the victim’s families following the Columbine shooting that forgave the shooters and their disbelief that the family could ever do this… the family was not saying that what happened was okay or that their loss was in anyway justified. Instead I believe they were able to realize that while the shooters did a horrific thing and hurt so many innocent people, their loved ones and our community, they were not okay. The shooters were angry, hurt, lost and while they caused so much destruction, that was about their own issues, not the value of the people who died that day. Forgiveness is putting down the anger to realize that what happened says more about the person who did it than anyone else. When we can accept and understand this, it means we no longer have to hold the fire. Holding onto the anger and hate didn’t bring back the people lost, it kept people from taking the next step towards healing. healing
Forgiveness does not mean that there is not damage left behind or that we have to maintain a relationship with the person that hurt us. It means that we will not continue to allow them and their actions to hurt us moving forward; we will no longer carry their burden. I found the below definition and liked it a lot:
Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition
When I forgive someone, it is about my choice to no longer let it be a reflection on me, to understand that there is much more at play.
Since I have shared about my daughter before, I will use her situation. I have forgiven my cousin for all that she put my daughter through before my daughter was mine. My cousin does and has struggled with substances for decades; spurred by her own unresolved trauma. I used to feel so angry at her for what she did and how she hurt this innocent little girl, not too mention the rest of our family. That anger though got me nothing. It didn’t help my daughter heal, it didn’t help me to feel better. Instead, it allowed her to actually keep hurting us all. I had to make a decision so I chose to understand how my cousin got where she did…it does not make it okay but it does make sense in the context of her life and struggles. The stealing, the hurting, the manipulating, fortunately and unfortunately, none of it was about us, about my daughter…it was about her. I forgive her because it doesn’t matter now), it cannot be changed and I need to be able to move forward with my life and focus on what matters. I also don’t want her to continue to have that control over me.
The partner that cheated on you, the kid that bullied you, the friend that left when you needed them most, the family member that hurt you…none of that was because you deserved it or because you aren’t worthy of more. They all had their own stuff going on and that is a reflection of them, not you. Is holding onto the anger, hurt, disgust, rage fair to you? Do they deserve that power? Don’t forgive them because it’s okay what they did or because they want to clear their conscience. Don’t think that forgiving them means you have to trust them again or allow them into your life even. Make the choice to no longer allow it to control you. To know that it wasn’t about you.
Now for the even more important part – –
The things you’ve done that you wish you wouldn’t have, the pain you’ve caused, the mistakes you’ve made … it’s time to forgive yourself. You didn’t know then what you know now and carrying the shame is paralyzing…allow yourself to grow. Punishing yourself will not make things right and only prevents you from doing the next right thing. Take that information and do better moving forward. Work on being the version of you that you want to be. You learned something. You don’t have to exist in the darkness anymore. Take the lesson and be better, do better. You are not the person now that you were then and you get to make a decision moving forward what to do next. Please don’t trap yourself in the past. The most important forgiveness you can find is to forgive yourself, the younger version of you, so that you can move forward.