Have you ever had a dream where your partner cheated on you and you wake up angry at them ? (or some other variation of someone you love hurting you) That can’t be just me, right? 🙂 You logically know that they didn’t actually do anything to you but it doesn’t change how you feel. You may even try to ignore it because again, logically, you know you have no reason to be upset; but you find that you can’t kick the feeling. I often talk to my people about the fact that we have two minds… Our head mind (or left brain, or present day self) is the part of us that logically knows things and is often the mind that people try to appeal to. “The past is in the past”, “it isn’t that bad”, “it could be worse”, “you can’t change it”… Here’s the thing though, what we “know” (picture me pointing to my head) has very little bearing on what we know (picture me pointing to my heart) to be true.
For example, I “know” that everyone makes mistakes and it isn’t a big deal, but if I believe that I am not good enough, then my mistake is a reflection of my worth and I know that I messed up because I’m a failure. Or just this week, one of my people was telling me that she “knows” that she deserves better than her relationship in which she experiences emotional abuse, but she won’t leave the relationship because she knows that she deserves the pain or that it is her fault.
Our heart mind (or right brain or hurt younger self) is where we our beliefs about our self and the world are held that guide our actions, despite what our head mind logically knows. These beliefs are formed by the experiences we go through and messages that we receive. For someone who has been able to process through and heal from their trauma (yes we all have trauma…even you), these beliefs guide them to wonderous places in which they reach for their dreams, see their worth and set boundaries to protect themselves.
For someone who has not been able to heal though, these beliefs are detrimental to their well-being, relationships and life. While these often occur in much less extreme ways, here are a few examples to highlight the concept:
If I was raised in a physically abusive home where learned that I was not safe, it doesn’t matter if I “know” that I’m safe now; I may hear yelling and immediately feel like that scared little kid again. I will prepare for the physical abuse and I will fall into whatever patterns I learned may keep me safe; I may explode with anger and hostility in an attempt to protect myself, or shut down, or leave, or accept the blame, or try to simply appease everyone even if that isn’t what’s best.
If I was assaulted in a dark room, no matter how much proof you show me that my room is safe, that no one can get in and you’ll protect me, I may be unable to turn out the lights or sleep at night.
If my parents lost custody of me because of their drug use and the only way I could understand that as a kid was it was because I was not enough…to keep them sober, to make them fight for me…it doesn’t matter how much love you give me, how much I achieve; I may continue to push people away because I know that I will just disappoint them and they will leave to. Or I may get into negative relationships where I am treated poorly but believe that I deserve it.