So you’ve tried setting a boundary and it isn’t honored…now what do you do?
For relationships in which we have used empty threats or backed down when we felt pressure, the president has been set that what we say doesn’t actually really matter and can be ignored/disregarded/bulldozed. These are the relationships that setting boundaries moving forward will be the hardest. Here are some tips to use in conjunction with my last post.
TIP #1: To effectively set healthy boundaries, don’t create any if/then that you aren’t prepared to follow through on. Empty threats come to mean nothing at all. One place I see this in parenting… “If you do that again, you won’t have T.V. for a month” – later that night or the next day, the kid is watching T.V.. So what they just learned was that you don’t mean what you say so no need to worry about what you say. However, this happens just as often in our friendships, romantic relationships, family relationships, work settings… If you aren’t ready to hold to your boundary, you’re better off not saying it at all.
TIP #2: Don’t threaten, state your expectation. Boundaries aren’t about ultimatums, they are about self care and expectations. It’s the difference between between “If you yell at me, I’m leaving you.” and “If you continue to yell at me, for my well-being, I’m going to remove myself from the interaction”. Keep it focused on you – “If you are late, it’s important to me to be on time, so I will choose to still leave on time. I would love for you to join me when you’re ready” or “If you keep using my dishes and not washing them, I need to have dishes so I will choose to store them in my room” (totally had to do this with a roommate) or “If you don’t pick up your room, I will take that to mean you don’t want to be a part of family movie night” or “If you keep spending money without talking to me, to protect myself financially, we’ll need to separate our accounts.” All of these are clear but without threat, just a statement of expectation and the choices you will make as a result.
TIP #3: Frontload your boundaries outside of the moment whenever possible. When we’ve set a boundary ahead of time, then the person isn’t taken off guard and is more likely to respond appropriately. Using the example above, if outside of conflict, I can say “I notice that when you raise your voice, I become flooded and I want to work on us communicating better, so in the future when you yell at me, I will choose to step away from the conversation until we can speak calmly.”, then in the moment, I can refer back “as I told you before, if you yell, I will remove myself”. Then if they continue to yell, you remove yourself from the conversation.
TIP #4: Become a broken record. There are a lot of maladaptive patterns we get into that work in the context of the relationship. For example, how many times have you tried to set a boundary such as the one above, and then the person says something that intentionally pushes your buttons and you re-engage in the conversation? “Oh so you’re just going to walk away/ignore me?!” or “You’re just like your mom!” — It is tempting to start firing back or trying to get them to understand your point of view when honestly, they have no intention of understanding, they are just trying to pull you back in. Your best line of defense is to be a broken record and not play into the deflection or attack. “As I stated, when you yell at me, I will choose to remove myself from the conversation. When you are able to speak calmly and respectfully me, I’m here.” — “Oh so you’re the only one that matters?!” — “Again, when you are able to speak calmly and respectfully, I am here.” Eventually it gets old and it becomes clear that the old behavior is no longer functional.
TIP #5: Someone perceiving your boundary as a personal attack when it is not about them, is about them. I just had someone last week who shared that after they stated that they weren’t wanting to go out and just needed some time to recharge was told by the other person, something along the lines of, “Oh so I’m not important to you, I guess I just don’t matter.” Her boundary didn’t at all state this…she just acknowledged she needed some self care. When this happens, remember, their response to your boundary, isn’t about you, it’s about them. In this case, I’m guessing that either the person she was talking to struggles with insecurity (a them issue) or this has been a functional way to get people to do what they want them to do-through the use of guilt. We can be empathetic without having to compromise our own needs. Perhaps responding with something like “It sounds like you feel this means I don’t care about you and as I stated, this is about me needing some time to recharge for me.”
TIP #6: If you are worried that your boundary is unfair or unreasonable, apply the friend standard. We often hold ourselves to an “it’s different because it’s me” standard, leading to us placing undue judgment on ourselves. We struggle to see our own worth and/or have gotten so used to catering to others, we feel like we’re selfish if we take care of ourselves. It can help, when you are doubting whether you have the right to set a particular boundary to ask yourself, “If my friend(or anyone else I care about) were setting this boundary in a similar situation, would I think it was selfish/unfair/messed up/etc?”. More often than not, the answer is “no, of course they get to ask for that need to be met” and if that’s the case, then maybe it’s time for you to put your own self-judgement down. Treat yourself like a friend and a lot changes because truly, do you really get to be the exception to the rule? If you would feel anyone else was entitled to it, you shouldn’t be any different.
TIP #7: Know whether your boundary is a place of compromise or line in the sand. Every time a boundary is set, the other person gets to decide whether that works for them or not. You don’t have to honor people’s boundaries just as they don’t have to honor yours. However, when we choose not to honor a boundary, if a compromise can’t be found, there are often consequences to the relationship. For example, if my boundary is “if you yell at me one more time, I’m leaving” – it would be fair for the other person to say “I can’t promise that I won’t ever yell again (because hey, we’re human) but I am committed to working on it, can we make a plan to call for a time out and see how that goes?” — I then get to decide if I’m willing to do that or if I’m at the end of my rope, I may stick to, nope one more time and I’m done. We need to evaluate whether compromise is an option and to check ourselves on how realistic our boundary may be. We can compromise in many boundaries but some may be the line in the sand. For example, I wouldn’t expect personally, that my partner never loses his cool and raises his voice again, however, if he peed on all of my things last time he was angry (not sure where that example came from), I could definitely say that’s a no go with no wiggle room, if I even stuck around after the first time.
TIP #8: Not all boundaries will be explicitly stated, it doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to hold them. As in my example in tip 7…You burn my things the first time, I may not have told you that was a no go for me because I didn’t figure that needed to be stated, but when it happens, I get to decide what to do with that. Whether that be to end things there because that’s unacceptable to me or to work on things because in his home, that was what people did and I feel like he maybe didn’t realize that wasn’t okay. (Man, I come up with weird examples). You get to decide how you want to be treated and you get to hold people to that expectation…and if they choose not to honor it…you get to decide how that changes their role in your life.