Healing Through Connection

Words that we both hear (and say) far too much and far too little. Wow I didn’t realize how much I had to say on this one until I started typing, so it looks like this will be split into two.

Far too much

First the far too much…have you noticed how often we apologize? Especially as women or people of color or part of any marginalized group, we are conditioned to make ourselves smaller and apologize for, literally it seems, EVERYTHING. Someone else runs into you on the street, what do we say? “I’m sorry”. We’re getting ready to take your turn speaking up in a meeting – “I’m sorry”. Heck someone says the room we’re in, that we don’t even control the thermostat for, is hot – “I’m sorry”. Someone trips on our foot because they aren’t watching where they’re going – “I’m sorry”. We start to cry, because you know, we have feelings, – “I’m sorry”. We sneeze – “I’m sorry”. Those words slip out of our mouths without even thinking.

While this can be socially/culturally driven, it is also trauma driven. Really let’s be honest, marginalized groups experience systemic trauma daily, but even if we aren’t part of one of those groups but our world has been unsafe otherwise due to abuse, neglect, etc, we make ourselves small in the same way often. For many of us, we grew up around people who we couldn’t trust to take responsibility for their actions, or we were in peace-keeper role of our family, or it wasn’t safe to take up space. Through this, we learned to apologize, to take ownership over what often wasn’t even ours. We learned that it was the best way to keep the peace, meet our needs and stay safe (physically and/or emotionally). Years later, we still find ourselves saying the words “I’m sorry” so much they cease to have meaning, and we continue to make ourselves small.

Maybe if we say, “I’m sorry”, we won’t the experience the rejection of the other person refusing to own things because we already have, or we can give ourselves a false sense of control. Because, of course, if we did something wrong, then maybe we can change the outcome next time by doing something different. Or maybe, they were going to blame us anyway, so we might as well do it first. There are so many reasons, and in the end, it’s part that developed to keep ourselves safe in the ways we knew…a part that may not be working as well now but it surely is trying.

So what do we do? How do we change this pattern we’re so stuck in?

What do you have to be sorry for?

My response to the people in my world (in my office or in my life otherwise) when they unnecessarily apologize is usually, “What do you have to be sorry for? Did you harm me or hurt me in any way?”. The answer is almost always no, or a yes that when challenged, is actually a no. I ask this to slow down the process and to help people realize that they are not too much, that their existence is not innately harmful and that they get to take up space.

In the case that there is no harm, no reason to need to apologize, with a sly smile, I will respond “Well, apology not accepted as it never needed to be said”. I challenge them to consider that maybe they don’t need to be sorry for simply existing and being human, or for what is mine to hold. I can’t even count how many times I’ve reflected something incorrectly or misunderstood, and people apologize to me, because I wasn’t quite right.

Despite how much I can pick up on my people saying sorries that are unnecessary, and challenge them around it, helping them to build confidence in themselves, the reality is, I still struggle to not do the same thing. I learned to say sorry for everything too, it was the easiest way to diffuse situations and even when I was right, I was wrong, so I let myself take on the responsibility consistently. I also couldn’t trust people to manage their own boundaries in my world, so I tried to do it for them. As I’ve challenged the people in my world around sorries, some have begun to be able to do this for me also, to catch me in the moment, and that isn’t always the case. So I’ve adopted my own ways to manage it when I catch it.

“Thank you”

Ideally, we can catch it before we even say it, when we realize we’re drawn to say it. As it turns out, most unnecessary sorries can actually be turned into a thank you instead. I have examples below to illustrate this. And there is something really cool that often happens when we change our language in this way. When we say “I’m sorry”, we invite people to confirm we needed the unnecessary apology, or that we don’t get to take up space.

Let’s say I’m trying to find something for someone, and it’s taking a bit to locate it. “I’m sorry I know it’s in here somewhere.” While some people may tell us it’s okay, others will latch on to this, displaying impatience as it’s been confirmed what an inconvenience you are, even as you are the one helping them. “Yeah, I really need to get going, you know if you were just more organized…”

What if instead you say, “thank you for your patience, I know it’s in here somewhere.” Well then that person kind of dusts their shoulder off, because, yeah, I really am patient, I’m pretty great. Okay they may not go that far, but do you notice how much different it sounds? Rather than inviting negativity, we’re building the other person up, and acknowledging that we’re human and not doing anything wrong.

**By the way, my daughter tells me it’s lame to use “dusting your shoulder off” and I only think it’s cool because I’m from the 1900’s, but you know what, I’m going to keep on dusting 🙂 **

Let’s look at a few more examples:

Sorry not sorry

And if only we could catch it every time, but man, habits run deep don’t they? So, what about when the sorry slips out first? Easy fix, add a “not sorry”. This one has helped me a great deal and invited others onto my journey. I cough involuntarily and, by habit, apologize (for what exactly?? who knows). *cough* “I’m sorry”. — “Actually, sorry not sorry, I don’t suppose my cough hurt you did it?” with a smile. I was reflecting on where I learned this one and I’m pretty sure it was from this commercial years ago…

Thank you, Pantene for saying what we all needed to hear.

I’m working every day to find my voice, take up space, heal, and find my empowerment, and to inspire the same in others. Sorry, not sorry. I hope you’ll join me on the journey.