Healing Through Connection

I’m on my way to the mountains for the night, this is my happy place where I feel most at peace. I preach self care daily and let’s be honest, I’m not as good at it on a daily basis as I wish I was. I have learned over the years, though that it is necessary. I am way better than I was and sometimes it’s still tempting to think, if I just push myself a little more, say yes one more time, fit in one more hour for someone else…they need me.

Often, we don’t take care of ourselves for fear that it makes us selfish. We feel we need to be everything to everyone (for some of us that is literally our job description). What if self care isn’t selfish? At least not in terms of how we normally see selfishness. We view selfish as negative, being self centered and not caring about others. Let me frame it another way. What if selfish just means caring about ourselves as much as we care about others, or is maybe even an act of caring about others?

Imagine you’re a bus driver, you’ve always wanted to be a bus driver because you wanted to help people get where they need to go. Your passion in life is helping others. So, you’re going about your day picking people up, dropping people off, picking people up, dropping people off. But then, your gas light pops on. You’re worried about people being late though, so you keep going…what happens? Eventually you break down right? Then who can you help? No one. Sure, if you would have stopped for gas, people may have been late but now no one can get anywhere. Sometimes, being selfish is the most self less thing you do.

We can’t give what we don’t have to give. In the end we are much better for others if we have taken care of ourselves. If I come home stressed and overwhelmed and my kids and my husband all need something and I try to push through my own limits of what I have to give, I am likely to be a lot less patient and engaged with them. Despite my best intentions, I’m going to have a hard time being who they need me to be. However, if I walk in the door and say “okay guys, mommy needs 10 minutes” and I go do a meditation or take a quick shower or just sit outside and read, then I can get back to them ready to be mom amd wife and actually be there.

One of my people this week shared having several days where they struggled to get out of bed because they had worn through all of their resources. They had put aside their own needs to be there for everyone for so long, they broke down. I asked her if sacrificing her 1.5 hr walk to give them that time ultimately ended in them getting more or less of her. Well, rather than 1.5 hr out of the day, she was unable to be there for them for 4 days.

We also find that when we give everything, we start to become resentful which is the oppositeof what we’re trying to do. We don’t mean to, we don’t do for others to get back, but man it’s hard to not start to feel angry that we are giving everything we have and not getting anything back. We get passive aggressive and then usually feel guilt set in, making it all worse.

If you truly care about those around you and want to be there for them, then take care of yourself. For me, that’s going to the mountains, painting, game nights, reading, moments of quiet, soaking in tub, going on a walk, calling a friend, or going to bed early. Find your things. Find what fills you up. Then make intentional time for it.

A final note, as important as self care is, it’s also important to let others support us. They offer, we say no because we don’t want to be a burden or because what if they don’t actually want to. Then we get upset no one is supporting us or we feel alone. Let others in, let people hold you up the way you hold others up. As hard as it may be to believe, you deserve support as much as anyone else. Let people be there for you.