I was talking with one of my people a couple weeks ago and she was sharing her fear of being seen as selfish, and worry that if she looks out for her needs, she will be just that. This got me thinking about the negative connotations we have placed on the word “selfish” and if they really fit. We function as though selfless and selfish are the two extremes to existence and that anything other than being selfless is a bad thing.
However, as we talked, I pointed out to her that this spectrum actually continues going out. Before we look at the way this spectrum continues, I want to rename these a bit. I prefer to think of selfless as “Other Care”, when we are being selfless, we are taking care of others. Similarly, when we are being selfish, we are actually just practicing self care. In the center is where we balance these two, so for lack of a better name, let’s call this place Self and Other Care (clever I know J ). In a perfect world and balance, this is where our needs and the needs of others are able to be met simultaneously and equally.
When we worry about being selfish, or we negatively refer to someone as selfish, I think what we mean is self absorbed (also often coined as narcissistic). And on the other side, is an equally unpleasant extreme of self sacrificing. Believe it or not, these two extremes actually have a lot of similarities. First off, in either extreme, there is a feeling of very little to no self worth. Someone who exists here has an identity that is fragile and based on maintaining this view of themselves. We often perceive those who are self-absorbed as having abnormally high self esteem, but really their entire sense of self is based on them always being right, in control, the best, the victim, etc.. and anything that threatens this sense of self, taps into their underlying sense of shame in their feelings that they are not enough. This is similar within the person who is self sacrificing. If they were to accept help or support or do something for themselves, then who they are would crumble and they would prove that they aren’t who they present themselves to be.
Both extremes also lead to strong feelings of resentment. For the person self sacrificing, they become resentful that they are always doing for others and no one does in return for them. However, as someone who used to exist here, I also consider how may times people offered that I declined (fragile sense of self) and ultimately I created relationships in which people learned not to even offer. And for the person who is self absorbed, they become resentful when people don’t honor their sense of entitlement. As such, people on both ends ultimately feel “owed” and are incredibly sensitive to criticism.
Returning to the center for a moment selfless and selfish are both incredibly healthy places to exist and we move back and forth between them. That is because, while we shift between focusing on our needs or the needs of others, we are still being mindful of everyone involved. Being selfless is about meeting the needs of others while being selfish is about meeting our own needs. In being selfish, we are acknowledging, we mean just as much as everyone else (not more or less).
We cannot give what we don’t have to give, so there are times where we much recharge (practice self care) in order to take care of others. If I am stressed and overwhelmed and walk in the door and my kids immediately want to play with me…am I more able to be present with them if I try to push through my own needs or if I say “hey guys let me take 10 mins to [shower, meditate, sit on patio, call a friend, etc]” and get regrounded. In choosing to practice self care and be selfish, I am actually more able to meet their needs because if I didn’t, they may not have to wait 10 minutes but I am far more likely to be checked out or irritable.
Which leads to my next point…if I were to “push through” to give what I don’t have to give, I would actually be ignoring my needs — and thus falling into self sacrificing. On the same token, if I just ignored them and gave them no time at all, I may be moving into self absorbed where I am ignoring their needs. `
In the center, we have balance, it is healthy. In the center we are making a choice to care for ourselves or other, in the outer extremes, we function from a place of “have to” because it is an identity instead of actions.
Now that we have our spectrum laid out, let’s make it tangible. Imagine you’re in a horror movie and some person is with a chainsaw is chasing you and someone else…
You have some options…
That got dark fast….what if we move into the healthy zone in which there is given and take and both people escape? At different times, you both might have needs that you need met. At times you can meet theirs and at other times, you will have your own needs.
So what does this all mean? — Being selfish, when we realize that this is synonymous with practicing self care, is actually a very healthy and good thing. When our needs and the needs of others exist in a balance, and as a give and take, we feel happier, our relationships are healthier, and we find and honor our own self worth. Ultimately, sometimes being selfish is the most selfless thing you can do because if you don’t have anything left to give, who can you help?