Have you ever started to feel like it must be something about you that over and over, people seem to treat you poorly, you go through the same things in each relationship? What if it isn’t about who you are but more of what you are trying to gain or prove to yourself? Hang with me here…
I used to refer to myself as “the convenient friend”, it seemed that when someone needed me, I was one of the first calls but when I needed someone or it was time for fun, I got left behind. I spent a long time feeling that I was just not worthy, not good enough because it just kept happening. I couldn’t figure out why. Then as I started my healing process, I started to realize that as a kid, I tried hard to do/say just the right thing with members of my family who were not mentally okay and I always failed. If I said the sky was blue, it was actually red. I apologized all the time even for things that I didn’t do, just trying to calm the storm. I wanted so badly to get it right and I never could. As I look back now, I realize that I kept finding people that “needed me”, people that were struggling and playing out the same pattern. I also realize that I acted in a protector role and often didn’t join in on fun things or reach out or even accept help. I did get invited but would turn it down, unless they needed me, then I would drop everything. It wasn’t a choice, it was just what I did, what I felt I had to do.
There is a term for this pattern of recreating…it’s called trauma reenactment. Trauma reenactment is the idea that if we experience trauma (it can be an assault, domestic violence, verbal abuse, emotional distance, neglect, etc), we subconsciously put ourselves in similar situations or relationships with a goal of proving that we can change the outcome this time. We want to know that we aren’t powerless. Re-victimization rates of sexual assault survivors is so high for this reason. If I am assaulted and I felt powerless, I may end up putting myself in similar situations to prove that this time, I can protect myself, that I’m not vulnerable. The problem is, I will also be putting myself in potentially dangerous situations in which I don’t have the control I’m trying to prove that I have. I will seek out people that are more likely to hurt me without even realizing it.
We also, like I shared of my story, play out relational patterns from childhood. Let’s say my mom was emotionally unavailable and I never felt seen. There is a good chance that I will then end up in a relationship with someone who cannot meet that need either both because I don’t think I deserve it and because I want to finally find the right thing to say or do that will get my needs met. Or if I witnessed domestic violence, I may either end up being the abuser or being the abused in future relationships as I try to grasp at the control I didn’t have.
While this is a predominantly subconscious process, in becoming aware of it, we can start to make choices to change it, to no longer try to reenact our trauma. Even better than awareness, is making the choice to heal from your trauma. Through healing, you will realize that you are naturally less likely to engage in these patterns. This is because you no longer need to prove to yourself that you can change the outcome or feel powerful. You will start to find the relationships in your life that aren’t healthy and be able to change who you surround yourself with. You will start to ask for what you deserve and be able to set healthy boundaries.
I was having a frank conversation with one of my people this morning. I have realized that in the start of my relationship with my husband, while I was very much drawn towards his heart, I was also drawn to the idea of being able to “save” him, to be the person that made everything better for him and made him worthy. This was a recipe for disaster because my worth became tied up in how he was doing and if I could just do better… It is through my own healing (and his) that we have come to the place we are in which we are able to support each other while also not losing ourselves. My worth is no longer based in what I can do for others but who I am. If I can help people that’s wonderful but it isn’t about “getting it right”. I can only do what I can do and I am always working to be a better listener, a better support, to better understand people and their needs because I can offer a hand, an ear, a direction but I also know at the end of the day, my value is not dependent on me walking on eggshells and getting it right. Trust me, at that game, you will always lose…