Healing Through Connection

I just had my own therapy today…yes, therapists have therapists…at least if they’re good they do, and i have an amazing one. I got hit pretty hard with a realization. I initially felt frustrated as it’s something that I know and point out with others, and yet missed for myself. However, I also know it can be hard to see our own patterns at times because we’re in it and we need the mirror to be held up. I can’t remember if I have shared this metaphor before in an earlier post or not but it’s a good reminder so I’ll throw it out there real fast:

Do you have anyone in your life (maybe yourself even), who is really into sports and will start yelling at the coach or players on T.V. for a stupid play or decision that was so clear to them? Here’s the thing though, what view does the person watching have? They can see the entire field, both teams, everything right? What view does the coach have? He can only see what’s in front of him and isn’t blocked by someone or something else. In our lives, we’re on the field and it’s harder for us to see what someone removed from the situation can.

For my people, I can see the whole field (or at least the vast majority of it). However, for me in my life, my view isn’t as complete, I can only see what I see. So, with that reminder, I’m going to let go of the frustration and give myself some grace.

I love my kids with all that I have and I want them to grow up to be the healthiest and happiest versions of themselves. There is so much hard stuff that my husband and I have gone through in our lives, that I of course want to protect them from. Like most parents, I want them to always see their worth and be protected from the message that they aren’t enough or that their worth is conditional. I know I can’t protect them from everything but I want home, at the very least, to be their safe place; the place where they can be themselves, feel seen and heard, and know they are supported.

All that to say, I was challenged today with the fact that in trying so hard to protect them, especially my son, is it possible that I’m communicating to him that I don’t think he can handle things himself when I jump in to manage conflict between him and his dad. In which case, I’m a contributor to the very thing I’m trying to avoid him feeling, that he isn’t enough and that he isn’t capable. Not too mention, the way in which I convey this same message to my husband who is working so hard to change patterns he experienced as a kid and continues to grow in such amazing ways, that he can’t get it right himself or figure it out. I want to protect them both from the conflict and the potential that it could go poorly, and in turn, I’m communicating to both of them that I don’t think they can do it themselves. It’s not what I mean to say, but I realize the message is there regardless.

This is something I have certainly talked to others about but hadn’t realized in myself, at least not in this situation. It’s weird to realize that I’ve missed this area because I’ve done better in others. For example, if either of the kids come to me to tattle on the other, I don’t just jump in and “handle it”, going after the person I perceive to be the aggressor based off of one kid’s story, or send them to their rooms so they can’t interact (and thereby can’t work it out). Instead, I remind them that if they just need to vent and be upset, I’m there to listen, or if they’re coming to me to brainstorm how to handle the situation or things to try, I’m happy to help. However, if they are looking to me to get after the other sibling and deal with it (unless it’s a needed intervention), that I want them to learn to handle it on their own as I won’t always be around.

I also do it with school. When they have issues with peers or teachers, I help them evaluate options they have and how they can handle it better moving forward. We make plans together of what to do next find what feels right for them. It’s important to me that they learn these lessons and can speak up for themselves. I’ve only intervened to advocate for them if they have tried to manage it on their own or it was more severe and necessitated my involvement and even then I try to involve them. I believe it is helping them to be critical thinkers, problem solvers and empowered in their own life.

But today, I had to recognize the area that I, although well meaning, have communicated that they are not capable and empowered, by jumping in to “protect” them, without them having a chance to learn how to navigate the situations themselves with support and to learn that they can. Not only am I robbing them of the opportunity to grow their skills and confidence, I am also setting them up for failure, because mom won’t always be there.

It’s something I think we often do with the best of intentions. We walk on eggshells so as to not upset someone we love because we don’t want them to experience discomfort, or we own that if we do and they choose to use substances or handle with anger or whatever the case may be, that their reaction is our fault, that they aren’t capable of making their own decisions. We rob them of the opportunity to grow and learn better skills and ways of handling things. Or we stop our own growth because we’re afraid that the person we love won’t “meet us” (see past blog on this), which ultimately enables them to stay in the unhealthy place they are. All of these actions ultimately convey, I don’t think you can do it, so I’ll manage it for you.

I talk often about front loading with trust – “I trust that you can handle hearing this….” or “I know this will be hard and I trust that you can do it”. When we see people’s potential and hold them to it, we give them a chance to rise to the occasion and to build confidence along the way. “I know you can do this so I’m going to let you, even if it’s hard”. We can still provide support on the journey, it doesn’t mean they’re all alone, it just means not swooping in before they’ve even asked for help. It means empowering them to ask for the help they need and to know they don’t always need help.

This is something I think I’m good at with my people. I ask them to confront and move through some really gnarly stuff but it’s because I know they can. I don’t shy away at the first sign of it being hard or uncomfortable. At the same time, when they’re in it, I’m right there. And when they do experience the discomfort, we celebrate like crazy their courage and progress. We process what they did, because especially in the messy, there is so much they are doing, and figure out what’s next.

Today I needed the reminder that growth is in discomfort with the safety net of people who care about us that can support us. We don’t need “saved” (at least most of the time). We need guidance, company in the hard and people who trust in our ability to learn and grown. The training wheels only until we learn to find our balance and the person to pick us up when we crash but that cheers us on to try again. I don’t want to rob anyone of the opportunity to grow, feel empowered, gain skills and know how truly amazing and capable they are.

So, tonight, I will go home with a healthy dose of self reflection and own my shit. I will make sure that I work on communicating how incredibly amazing the people I’m surrounded by are, but taking a step back and trusting them to handle the situation and know that they can come to me if they need support.