This is going to veer off from the direction of the blog a bit but is something that I hope will help others that are dealing with similar situations. Many of you know by now that my middle child is adopted, the biological daughter of my cousin. Her start to life has been anything but smooth, consistent and ideal, and as such, she struggles a lot. Her attachment trauma has led to huge struggles for her to connect to others in a genuine way, trust others, and presents in a very unique fashion. I happened to have come across a letter written by another parent raising a child with reactive attachment disorder to help those in their life better understand. This, and the many experiences I have had in which people haven’t “gotten it” with our own journey raising our daughter, I decided to write my own version of this letter. Some parts I have taken word for word because they so well state what I need to say. (Here is the original letter: https://raisingdevon.com/2018/05/31/dear-friends-family/)
Dear friends and family,
We’ve told you before how we struggle with our child’s behavior but we’re not sure that you really understand how serious things are.-
Our child relies on manipulation, lying, melt-downs and defiance in order to feel a sense of control. She refuses to follow the simplest of instructions and turns virtually everything, every directive, every request, every interaction into a tug of war, a fight for control, as if it is a matter of life or death (because in her mind…it is). Every day, all day, we deal with her extreme behavior. Luckily, because of all that we have already done to help her heal, it is not as bad as it was. She doesn’t try to physically harm us or herself as often as she used to, though, mind you, it still happens. She screams, hits, bites, spits on us, breaks things, steals things, spits venom with her words (especially to her siblings) and so much more. We are doing the best the we can to help her heal and it is exhausting, frustrating and at times, utterly overwhelming.
Most people, maybe even you, blame us for her behavior; think that it is because we are too hard on her or not hard enough. This only makes us feel worse because, the reality is, we blame ourselves most of the time.
We feel like if we just knew more, did better, were more patient, etc…she would be better. We blame ourselves that it’s hard to feel connected to her, to bond with her. It is excruciating to realize that she really only gives us affection/”connection” to get something from us. If you only knew how many different parenting strategies we have tried, how many books we’ve read…nothing has truly worked. While we know we are making progress, most days, we feel like complete failures as parents…especially when we are around others and see the looks they give us.
Fortunately, her behavior makes a lot more sense now that we know she has reactive attachment disorder (RAD). We need you to understand that because of everything she went through in the first several years of her life, our child does not truly trust anyone in the world to keep her safe, she is stuck in survival mode. She learned that she could only rely on herself and that everyone else would leave and/or hurt her. Her goal, unlike most children, is not connection, it is control. To her connection is dangerous, as is trusting anyone but herself to be in control of her surroundings. In an attempt to feel safe, she is superficially charming, has extreme behaviors and rejects affections from her caregivers. There is no easy answer or quick treatment but we are trying every day to help her heal.
Even though we work hard every day to help her heal, the people around us often don’t believe or support us. People see us as being too hard on her, not caring about her or treating her different because she’s not our biological child. We get that it is hard for you to understand how hard it is to raise a child with RAD when you haven’t experienced it yourself. We can’t expect that you understand it, especially when what you see is an entirely different version of our child then we get. We hope that through this letter, you can begin to understand our world a bit more and the fact that what we are doing is because we love her and care about her. In order for our child to heal, she must learn that we can be trusted to be in control in her life because only then can she learn that connection is safe.
When you undermine us, you inadvertently set back the progress that we have worked so hard to make in our already difficult relationship with her. I wish you could understand how good our child is at manipulating people—how she turns on that sweet, charming side you usually see; the reason that you can describe her as an “angel”. In fact, you may never witness a meltdown or even realize she’s manipulating you. Yes, she’s that good. It took us time to really see and understand it as well. When you think she’s bonding with you, know there’s always an end in mind. She may be seeking to get treats or toys from you, take attention away from her siblings or get out of trouble. The biggest win of all for her, however, is to get you to side with her against us.
Here’s how easily it happens—our child is sitting in timeout, looking remorseful as she watches the other kids play. You think we’re too hard on her and say, “She’s just being a kid, I’m sure she didn’t mean to. Hasn’t she missed out on enough?” (Hopefully not in her ear shot). Because what you see is parents that have no “wiggle room” and we need you to understand there’s a lot going on behind the scenes that you simply don’t see or know about.
The structured consistency—what you feel is too strict—is exactly what our child needs to heal and grow into a healthy, happy and productive adult. What looks like a little thing to you, is another test from her. Each time someone believes her lies or manipulation or feeds into her attempts for sympathy, they are actually telling her that she cannot trust them which I know is the opposite of their goal. We are constantly working to show her that she can trust us to be in control, to be smarter, more powerful, so she can actually just be a kid.
Strategies for raising a child with RAD are often counterintuitive and, watching from the outside, you may not agree with them. That’s okay. But, instead of interfering, please give us the benefit of the doubt. We cannot parent her with normal strategies because she is not a normal kid; she is a hurt, scared child fighting for survival. Please trust that what we are doing is for a reason and we have a whole team of people and resources guiding us.
Trust us, we know that with you, she is a totally different child. Sadly, it isn’t because you have bonded with her like it feels like, not because you are giving her what she needs. It is because you are not someone that threatens her sense of safety and control like we do; you are not her primary caregivers. I hope that you never truly have to see that side of her; because it is devastating to love her so fiercely and be so rejected…to have people pull away from you because they don’t understand that what you do is because you care, because you know her wounds…to see the looks on faces of people around you that don’t get it…to know that this sweet little girl is capable of manipulating with intention and skill that most adults don’t have…to want to just interact normally with your child and know that to do that will hurt her…to have to always be on gaurd…to know there is little to nothing that can be taken as face value…to feel the kind of aloneness that we feel.
Over the years, well-meaning people, have said some pretty hurtful things to us, things like:
• All kids struggle with this stuff, it’s normal
• She’s so good when she’s with me, are you sure it’s not just…
• It can’t be that bad
• Are you sure it isn’t just because she’s adopted that you feel this way
• Maybe you just need to give her more love and attention
• I’m sure she didn’t mean to do that
• What if you just_____?
We know these sentiments are meant to be helpful and many of them are because you care about our child too, but here’s the thing—our child isn’t “normal”. You only see what she wants you to see.
She has a very serious disorder. Statements like these minimize our situation as if there are easy solutions that we just haven’t tried; or put the blame on us. Here’s the thing…What we need most from you is a shoulder to cry on and an ear upon which to vent—without being judged, second-guessed, or not believed. If you are a big part of our child’s life, we also need you to trust us that what we’re doing is for her, so she can heal…to try to support us and the ways we are doing things. We need you to be willing to back us up so you are a part of her healing too; to not hurt her progress (and yes we know it is with the best of intentions and with love that you have done what you have to this point).
Reactive attachment disorder is a challenging disorder that’s difficult to treat so we have a long road ahead of us. Everyday is a struggle and we’d love to be able to count on you but not for advice or answers. We just need you to listen and offer encouragement. We know how deeply you care for us and our child and we’re thankful to have you in our lives. We’ve lost some relationships through this incredibly difficult journey already. We don’t want to lose you too.
Above all else, We need you to know that we love her, that all that we are doing is for her. Sometimes, we may appear cold or uncaring to you…we ARE tired, stressed and at times burnt out, but we love this little girl with all that we have and we want her to truly know how to give and receive love so we keep on our path.
If you have questions, ask. Please don’t judge us based off of what parenting a normal child looks like. We will happily share resources and information with you; We’ll explain what and why.
Sincerely,
Parents of a child with reactive attachment disorder