I initially posted the Shame Box in June 202 but as time has gone on, I have found that there are other protectors from our shame that we use, which I had initially missed. If you haven’t read the original post, it’s worth a read to get the whole picture: https://healing-through-connection.com/the-infamous-shame-box/
As a quick review, the patterns that I had initially identified are:
Blaming – “Well I wouldn’t have done what I did if you…” time for you to apologize to me and I don’t have to be responsible for my own choices
Denial – “That isn’t what happened/You’re taking it out of context/You’re being overdramatic/It wasn’t what you’re making it out to be.” If I don’t acknowledge your reality, then I don’t have to acknowledge the effect I had on you
Deflecting – “Yeah, well what about that time that you…” yep, look over here, it’s not about me anymore!
Me Too – “Well I’m hurt too.” yeah this may be true and when I say this, I no longer have to acknowledge the pain I caused you
All=None – “I guess it’s ALL my fault/You’d be so much better if you never met me/I’m just a horrible person” taking all of the blame equates to taking none of the blame, not too mention, now I just pushed you into a role of protecting me. Insert “no you’re not, that’s not what I meant…”
*Cue infomercial voice* But wait there’s more…
One of the patterns I realized that I had missed initially may have been due to fear of justifying the action, though explaining and excusing are very different things and I only mean to explain. This sixth pattern is Attacking, often in the form of name calling, shutting down the conversation and cussing… sometimes all three at once…”Shut the f*** up, you stupid b****”. While attacking is incredibly hurtful, at it’s core, it serves a similar purpose as the other habits. If I put the hurt back on you or get you to give up/withdraw, I don’t have to face my shame or my responsibility. Attacking feels so personal, and ultimately, people attack only as a means to protect themselves, to avoid having to shine a light on their own wounds and struggles.
The final (at least for now) pattern that I identified came a while back. I was sitting with one of my families and one of the members shared that they were really hurt by something that the others had done. The response that this person received was a version of “Well that wasn’t what we meant, and we won’t do that again. We didn’t mean to upset you. We really care about you.” I paused the family to point out that the first person who spoke wasn’t actually being heard and the people receiving the feedback, weren’t really allowing themselves to experience the discomfort of the person’s pain. This is when I realized that another pattern we use to escape our shame is Fixing It. Fixing it, is about trying to pull away from the icky of how we’ve impacted someone, putting a little bow on it, and making the person no longer feel those feelings. The problem is, when we are trying to fix the feelings, we aren’t allowing ourselves to actually experience them and are in turn dismissing the experience of the other person. This pattern is different from the rest as there is a part of it which is mindful of what the other person is experiencing which is why I represent it as a shield, rather than sword. With the best of intentions, when we are “fixing”, we are hoping to take away the pain that the other person feels while simultaneously saving us the pain. However, to truly “fix” the pain the person is feeling requires truly hearing and sitting with the experience and validating it for that person. We have to own what we did, whether it was intended to hurt or not.
What others patterns have you seen?