I’m upset but…I love you but…I understand how you feel but…I’m sorry but…
It is a simple word with enormous power…”but”. It is capable of completing negating everything that comes before it and it is a word we use all too frequently. We often don’t realize how much of an effect this one word has on what we hear, feel and mean. In fact, think back to a conversation where it seemed like that person said everything you needed them to, yet you don’t feel better. I can almost guarantee that “but” made an appearance.
Let me say something three different ways, notice which part of the message seems to be the part I want you to hear.
-I love you but you need to clean your room. –clean your room, right? The “I love you” almost becomes conditional.
-You need to clean your room but I love you. –suddenly, I love you got stronger and whether my room is clean or not has nothing to do it.
-I love you and you need to clean your room – did you notice the way they leveled out?
As soon as “but” is used, it changes the entire meaning of what we are saying. Not only do we invalidate others through it’s use but also ourselves. How many times do you catch yourself saying “I’m hurt but I will get over it” or “but they’re going through a lot”, or “but it is what it is”? Inherently, you are telling yourself that your feelings, your hurt, doesn’t matter. “And” on the other hand is inclusive, it allows both things to exist equally.
By switching “but” to “and”, we start to tell ourselves (and others) that we/they are important and that our/their experience matter. I’m hurt and they’re going through a lot. This honors that yes that other person is struggling and it doesn’t change that I also still get to be hurt.
I’m sorry but… says I’m saying sorry because I’m supposed to and now I’m going to tell you why I don’t actually need to feel sorry.
What you did was messed up but …I’m going to justify it for you, I don’t get to be impacted by it.
I hear you but… I listened long enough to respond, your opinion doesn’t matter.
I challenge you to try to make this one small change in your language with others and with yourselves and notice what it does in your relationships and your own value. It’s hard and it’s worth it.
I know that it will feel awkward at first because it isn’t how we normally talk and the pay off is worth it.