I should be working out more…I shouldn’t have done that…I just need to let things go…I should have started healing sooner…I just need to be more open…You shouldn’t let those things bother you…You just need to let it go…
We should ourselves (and others constantly). It comes from a good place, a place of wanting to be better or “teach lessons”. The problem is, should’s or just need to’s, cause a tremendous amount of shame and are inherently a statement of judgement around not being enough or screwing up. And, despite what our culture tells us…shame doesn’t actually help motivate us, it is debilitating.
If I say I should work out, more than likely, I will feel bad that I’m not, and feel as though I’m failing yet again. At this point, frankly, I’m more likely to go sit on my butt and watch Netflix and get down on myself for all that I’m not doing than make a change.
What happens when I change the words to I want to work out more? Well, suddenly I’ve created a path for myself and a direction to go. I’m thinking about what I can do rather than what I’m not doing. By changing our language, we can change a lot about how we think and feel about ourselves and the situation. Think about your boss, are you more motivated to work hard when your hard work is acknowledged and/or they help you work on a plan or when it’s never enough? I want to is a message of movement and change, a desire to be filled and there is no judgement in our value as a person.
Sometimes at this point, people will say “well what if I don’t want to do that?” to which I respond, then doesn’t that give you information as well? For example, “I should have just given in, then we wouldn’t have fought”…I go to change that to “I would like to give in in the future to save the fight” and realize that I don’t want to just give in. Now I can figure out what I do want to do.Maybe it’s change the pattern with that person where I feel like I have to give in to keep the peace because doesn’t feel good or make things better. If I was stuck on the should, it just means I screwed up but when I got to change it and realize that doesn’t fit, a lot more doors open up.
As seen above, we also use should’s a lot for the past and the reality it, we can’t change what has happened. When we “should on ourselves” over past events, we end up feeling horrible about something that we can do nothing about. By switching our language, we start being able to figure out what changes we want to make in the future, shedding the judgement, shame and guilt. We can figure out how to fix something rather than accept that it is what it is.
Another great shift instead of I want to, is I’m working on. “I’m working on being more patient.” has a completely different feel than “I just need to learn to be more patient.”.
Create a path for yourself to move forward, a path that allows you to make change, rather than getting stuck. Also, give other people this same option. Allow the people in your life to be valued and empowered.
One final example:
Two of my kids were playing upstairs, getting rough, which my husband and I reminded them not to, as parents do, but they continued. Then we hear that inevitable cries of pain and we hear “I’m going to tell mom and dad…” but then the most beautiful thing happened. I hear my daughter say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, it was an accident!” and her brother responded, “it’s okay, I know it was! I will tell mom and dad that too. I’m not upset, it just hurts.” and then she offered him a hug. Now, there are a lot of different responses that could have happened. Here are two examples:
“Well you should have listened to us, it wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t playing rough”.
“I’m so proud of the way you guys handled that, I bet that hurts, and you were able to understand it was an accident and not get angry. Next time, can we work on not being as wild, especially inside? We want to keep you guys safe.”
Which one inspires shame, disconnection and the stuck feeling that comes from being unable to change the past, and which one inspires the behaviors we want to see, connection and learning?