A few years ago when I was drowning in life dealing with my adopted daughter’s attachment disorder, one of my very good friends reached out to me. She was in need of support. Rather than just going into it though, she began the conversation like this, “I’m struggling and needing to talk through some things, do you have the capacity for that?”
While I had talked to my people about asking this very question, it was the first time that I had ever been asked it. It was powerful. In that question, I felt seen, validated, valued, empowered and so relieved. By asking that question, my friend gave me permission to honor my needs while still being a good friend. If I didn’t have the capacity, it was okay, she could access other supports. She also didn’t have to feel like a burden, knowing that I was struggling, nor did she have to shut down her own needs to try and protect me. If I said yes, she knew it wasn’t too much and she could take up space because I had it. In that moment, I actually did have the capacity (in fact, I was thankful to focus on something other than my own chaos) but I also knew that had I not, it was okay.
We so often worry about being a burden to others, which leads us to not seeking support when we need it. Because after all, they have their own problems. Or, we do try to share and feel guilty for doing so, or later learn that they didn’t have the space for it but felt obligated, and later felt resentful and/or overwhelmed.
Or we’re on the other side of it, and people are dropping things on us that we don’t have the space for. We push through because we want to be a good support. However, I want to challenge that when we don’t have the space and we do it anyway, how present and attuned can we really be? Do they really get what they need if we don’t have it to give?
What if we could start with this simple question with each other…do you have the capacity?
Then, when we do, we can show up as the best version of ourselves for others, and when we don’t, we have permission to honor our boundaries, and the other person can find other supports that can hold the space they deserve.
I shared this with one of my people yesterday and she shared a realization around an important distinction. There is a difference between capacity and availability. Sometimes we confuse the two.
She talked of how her partner will often come into the kitchen while she is cooking and begin off-loading about his day. She is “available”, she is right there. However, she shared realizing that doesn’t mean she has capacity for it. does She is focused on dinner and all the things she needs to keep track of and remember, that with ADHD is a feat in itself, while also keeping track of their son. She isn’t able to give him attention and space, and becomes increasingly overwhelmed and overstimulated. But because she is “available”, he and she have believed that she must have space for it.
Availability does not equal capacity. Capacity is about having something to give without sacrificing ourselves. Because I think in pictures, ironic since I have aphantasia and cannot see things in my mind, I want you to imagine capacity as a cup. Everything that is taking our energy, time, emotional bandwidth, etc., is water pouring into the cup. Our cup is only so big, no matter how much we want it to be infinite, it is not. If our cup is already filled near the top (cooking and kids) and we pour in more water (our husband’s off-loading), it’s going to overflow. We can make more room through self-care, support, healing, rest, etc., as these allow us to pour some water out. But we have to make room before we have it, we can’t just want or expect ourselves to have more.
So, I want you to pause before you take on more and ask yourself, do you have the capacity? It’s okay if you don’t. Take time and make some room. And trust that when you ask someone else and they say they do, you aren’t a burden, and they can and want to hold that space for you.