Healing Through Connection

So what does knowing all of this mean?

First off, give yourself grace. People (including you) will try to logic with you and you will feel guilty that even though you “know” they’re right, you will still feel what you feel. Put the guilt down. You will fight with yourself over what you “know” and the fact that what you do, doesn’t line up with it. Try to understand it. Listen to your heart mind and work on figuring out where these beliefs come from rather than fighting them. Give yourself space. Allow yourself to validate that there is a reason that you have them and you don’t have to keep carrying them. Challenge them and know that that alone will not make them disappear, and it is a good first step. Work on naming it, put words to the belief. Don’t hide. They wills still be there no matter how much you to try to ignore them and they will guide your actions and reactions.

Know the difference between “changing” and “healing”

Everyone who walks into my office is trying to change something about themselves or about someone else. When I work with couples, I often hear things like “I’m trying to change but it’s never enough!” or “He/She’s not capable of change”. Here’s the thing…change is temporary. Change is about behavior. Change requires a constant, conscious effort to maintain. Change is not the goal and in abusive/unhealthy relationships, “I’ll change” is a hallmark; and they will…for a while.

Let’s say I drink regularly and my partner wants me to stop, it’s hurting our relationship, I’m staying out late, he doesn’t feel important, etc…I can change my drinking. I can work on not going out on the weekends, stopping at one drink or resisting the urge to buy a bottle of wine on my way home. However, without a constant awareness, it will be easy to have “just one more”, or make an exception this time and I will likely start to amp up again. The other thing that may happen, is I continue to not drink but then I will likely find something else to replace it with (smoking weed, gaming, talking to other men, etc). Why is that? There is a reason why I was drinking. While I can change the behavior (head mind), until I deal with the reason why I drink, perhaps belief that I’m a failure, or to keep bad memories at bay, to numb my sadness (heart mind), I will struggle.

I repeat…change is not the goal. Healing is the goal. Healing is permanent. Healing is not about appealing to the head mind but instead the heart mind. When we heal, we work to understand the why and to work through the wounds we have. One caveat…you cannot heal for someone else. Healing is something that we have to do for ourselves; for our own wellbeing. Healing changes everything.

Consider the example of drinking from above. Healing is about processing through my trauma and the resulting pain that I am trying to escape when I drink; otherwise, I will continue to need an escape. Healing is about those beliefs changing…because when I know, at my core, that who I am is enough, I no longer am willing to accept abuse, or see a mistake as a reflection of my worth. Or when I know that I am loveable, I will no longer exist in unhealthy relationships or push people away; and if someone hurts me, I will know that that says far more about that person, than me.

Looking back to example from pt. 1…if I can process through and heal from my past physical abuse and finally know that it wasn’t my fault and I am safe. Conflict just becomes conflict rather than an internal feeling of life or death. I begin to be able to hold boundaries, to not own what isn’t mine. If I learned to fight back to protect myself, I could work on changing so that I don’t yell so much or try to take a breath; but when I heal, I no longer have to try to control the volcano boiling inside me because it isn’t there.

For anyone who knows me because they’ve walked through the door of my office, they know that I put very little emphasis on coping skills, because skills are about change and a temporary band aid to a long term wound. Instead, I urge everyone to consider healing so they no longer need the band aid. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, know that anyone can change but that change in behavior won’t last. If the person isn’t healing, it’s only a matter of time. If you aren’t healing, it’s only a matter of time. Changing is only the first step. We work on changing our behavior and becoming aware of it while we’re in the process of healing so we no longer have to.