Yesterday, I had a conversation with one of my people about something that is very hard to do…allow ourselves to have feelings towards the people we feel it is our job to protect. I’m going to start by sharing some of my own journey in healing and then bring it back around. One of the toughest parts of my own therapy has been acknowledging that I was angry and hurt at my parents. Without getting too far into it, as a kid, I fell into a role within my family where I felt it was my job to protect my parents from hurt and I tried to be “perfect” to prove to them that they were good parents. I also was told often that “that’s just them” when the person I was trying to protect them from would hurt me. Realizing this hurt…I love my parents and I am so grateful for everything they have done for me in my life. I know that they did the best they could AND that didn’t mean that I didn’t get hurt despite their best intentions. Anytime that I had feelings like this come up, I would push them away because I didn’t want to blame them, and I was afraid that my feelings would hurt them (which was the opposite of what I tried to do in my role as protector). Through being able to feel these feelings though, I learned that you can be mad at someone without being mad at them … meaning the little kid part of me was allowed to feel the hurt, without the present day me having those feelings towards my parents. I also realized that I had those feelings regardless of whether I wanted to or not and the only way through feelings is through them. In order to not be mad at them, I had to let myself be mad. It was a tough journey, but through my healing, I have also developed a much healthier and happier relationship with my parents. I have healthy boundaries and I now get to make a choice of whether to protect them or trust them to set their own boundaries…when I was a kid, there was no choice, it was just what I did. I also learned that it isn’t my job to make them see that they are good parents, that is their own journey in healing. Of course, I share my gratitude but if I’m not perfect, that isn’t a reflection on them (let’s not get into the faulty logic of perfection on top of that…).
This is a hard thing for people to feel though and it can feel like betrayal. However, our emotions do not equate to blame…they just are.
Imagine for a moment a baby. The baby is being raised by a single parent who is working three jobs to keep a roof over their head. The parent loves their child and is doing everything they can for their kid, however, the day comes when the parent either has to pay rent to avoid eviction or buy baby formula. The baby goes to bed hungry that night.
Now consider a different situation. This time the baby’s parent is too busy partying and hanging out with friends to even really think about the baby. The parent’s focus in on their own fun. The baby goes to bed hungry that night.
Is the baby in the first situation any less hungry than the baby in the second? No. Does the intention of the parent have any bearing on the baby’s hunger? No.
What we feel is just what we feel, it doesn’t matter, in my case for example, if my parents were trying their hardest or not at all, I was hurt. Just because I know that my parents did the best they could with what they had, what they knew, doesn’t mean that I don’t have those feelings. Those feelings also don’t cancel out the gratitude and love I have for them. It just means that regardless of their intentions, I experienced pain and I needed to be able to work through that. I was angry that I wasn’t protected from being in that role and I needed them to and I don’t blame them for not.
So I sat and I talked to my person, sharing my own experience. Challenging her to feel these feelings so she can heal from them. Reminding her that it’s okay that she has these feelings of anger and hurt (and even if it wasn’t…she would still have them). Through acknowledging, feeling and moving through these feelings, we get to heal. We get to have a better relationship with the people in our lives. We get to find out who we are separate from the roles we assumed as children (and/or adults).
Allow yourself to feel your feelings…feeling them does not equal betrayal or blame…simply a fact of life, an unmet need. When it comes to feelings, they are what they are… and fighting them, ignoring them does not allow us to heal from them.