I have had several things I have wanted to write about but things have been crazy lately. I wanted to get back on track and this is definitely a topic that has been coming up a lot…the idea of what support looks like. I am finding that many people confuse enabling as support. I’ve been working to define this for people and here is what I have come up with:
Enabling: doing something that allows/encourages/permits someone to continue to hurt themselves or avoid things that would benefit them
Support: assisting with things that he or she is incapable of doing for him or herself, or doing things that help facilitate them gaining control of their behaviors and life (thank you PsychCentral for this great definition https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-is-the-difference-between-supporting-and-enabling/)
Enabling comes with the best of intentions and is often fueled by a desire to protect and help the other person. It can also be driven by what we hear from the people we are trying to support (who honestly, want to keep doing what they are doing) that lead us to feel guilty or fear losing the relationship. For example, statements like “If you loved me then…” or “If you don’t then I’ll…”, or you say no and hear “I hate you.”
Let’s say someone you have is short on rent but is working and doing what they can or fell on hard times; helping them (if you are in a position that you can) is absolutely support. However, if that person is spending their money on other things they don’t need or not working more because they don’t want, etc, then giving them money becomes enabling. That is because it allows this person to not change their behavior and make better choices.
Or in the world of addiction, giving someone money for drugs because you are afraid they will steal or do something else to get the money if you don’t, becomes enabling. While it comes from a good place of wanting to protect that person from danger, it is also ensuring that they can continue to make the same choices.
In the end, enabling is doing the opposite of what we want it to do. Support is about helping someone, while enabling, in the long run, causes far more hurt and pain for that person. It is okay to say no, and to set boundaries. You can also support someone without enabling through providing space for them to process through things, giving advice or offering help when they are ready. Allow people to make their own choices and know that being there for them, doesn’t mean doing what they ask of you but instead being strong enough to not, when that thing will only further hurt them in the long run.