Healing Through Connection

Boundaries…a word we hear all the time and yet is something so hard to put in place in our lives. We know we should, but have no idea how, especially when we are surrounded by people that have only seemed to violate them. We also often feel like we don’t deserve to have them or have been taught through experience that setting a boundary is a personal attack (it’s not when it’s about us, our growth and our needs contrary to what we may have been led to believe). Boundaries, when appropriate, are healthy and focused on our own needs not the failings/flaws of another person. And ultimately, every person has the option to honor our boundaries or not, and if we hold them, to decide how to proceed within the relationship.

I’ve found myself repeatedly discussing boundaries here lately and realize that it is not something we are taught to really do, especially in a healthy way. Also, when we set boundaries, which changes our role, people’s first reaction is usually to push back to try to get us back into the role they know us. This isn’t so much about us as it is their own comfort. I often caution my people – when we change, grow and heal, we force the people around us to change, grow and heal with us, or stay the same without us. Because it is impossible for us to change our role and other people remain the same; there is balance in our relationships and we offset this balance when we adjust. For example, in my post on self and other care, I discussed that when we are self-sacrificing, we also balance ourselves with people that are self absorbed “I don’t care about my needs and neither do you, I do for everyone and you want done for you”. So when we take a step towards self care, we are often told we are selfish because it doesn’t work for the person who’s benefited from our self sacrifice to continue to ignore our needs when we start to prioritize them.

That’s also a scary thought though, that people may choose to stay the same without us, we may lose relationships when we choose to set boundaries and change the role we had in the relationship. However, as scary as that feels in this moment, usually when we get to the point of realizing that that person isn’t ready/able/willing to grow with us, the loss doesn’t seem as bad because their role is not longer working for us either.

How do we do it though? How do we set these elusive boundaries?

In my experience, if we just come out of left field with them, people don’t usually respond well. They are shellshocked and don’t understand why the way of interacting that has worked for so long, is suddenly not working. This causes further push back.

I’ve come across a way of wording boundaries that seems to do a couple things: 1) It helps explain our intention, so people understand what we’re doing and why; 2) it allows it to be less personal, because they realize it’s not about them but our growth or to improve the relationship; and 3) it gives us a clear direction and recognition of what we’re working on.

The format is simple: “I find myself wanting to [insert old pattern], and [I’m working on being better/we’re working to improve/that pattern hasn’t worked], so instead I’m going to [insert boundary]”

The first time I came across this, it was in an interaction with my partner. Our old pattern and the way we had existed for a long time (in my perspective at least), is that I would share hurt feelings or a struggle I was having in the relationship, in which he would counter with “well what about my feelings?” or “I’m hurt too”. I would then put my feelings to the side to take care of him and we wouldn’t really ever go back to mine. So one day we were headed down that path at a period where I was working really hard on my own healing, validating my own experience and finding my voice, and the first part just came out, “I’m finding myself wanting to put my feelings to the side right now and take care of you, but I’m working hard on being a healthier me so I don’t want to do that again”. –Something amazing happened, he looked at me, grabbed my hand and said “Oh honey, I don’t want you to have to take care of me and put your feelings to the side, what do you need?”. Mind you, prior to this, I had tried to communicate this need time and time before, which if I’m being honest, usually came out in passive aggressive ways like “oh sure, it’s about you again”, or “why don’t my feelings ever matter?”, which, understandably so, inspired defensiveness.

I remember just sitting and reflecting after he said that and realizing that he was able to hear me and it wasn’t about him failing, but instead just an old cemented in pattern we had. I also realized how my efforts to set boundaries before, weren’t clear and came from my hurt rather a commitment to make things better for me and for us.

I have since shared this with others (and continue to work on it myself), and have found it so helpful. Overall, there seems to be a pretty good reception to it by those receiving the boundary. I think it helps to hear examples so I’m going to share a few other iterations of this and would love to hear if you try it, and how it goes.

• “I’m finding myself wanting to just shut down and I want us to be the best version of ourselves we can be, so instead I’m going to trust that you will hear me as I share what’s happening for me right now.”
• “I’m finding myself wanting to give in because if feels easier, and I want you to learn how to engage in a healthy way with people so instead I’m going to tell you no and hold to it.”
• “I’m finding myself wanting to apologize and I’m working on being a healthier version of myself and finding my voice, so I’m not going to apologize just to keep the peace or for what isn’t mine to hold.”
• “I’m finding myself wanting to just clean up your mess for you and I want you to learn how to take care of yourself so I’m going to walk away and let you handle making it right.”
• “I’m finding myself wanting to avoid this conversation so no one gets angry and I want us to have the best chance to grow together, so I’m going to trust that we can calmly talk about this.”

You can see that there are so many possibilities and by letting people in on the fact that we are setting a boundary and why, we increase the likelihood that they will receive it. And yes…they still may not, but hey that’s information right? It let’s us know whether they are willing to hear us, value us and come alongside us or not. Also notice my plug of “I’m going to trust you”, it helps set up the conversation without defensiveness because we’re assuming the other person has positive intention and that sets the tone for their role in the interaction.

I also know, sometimes this isn’t doable, doesn’t fit the situation because it isn’t about our pattern, or is so not honored that we need to know how to enforce the boundary. Stay tuned for my next post where we can break that down further…