I’ve been told several times over the past week by acquaintances (and really through out the years) that I’m “deep” or “trying to read them” or “psycho analyzing” which keeps being chalked up to the fact that I’m a therapist. My first response is that I’m not like this because I’m a therapist but I’m a therapist because I’m like this and I got lucky enough to find a way to make a living being me. I’ve considered conducting an experiment where I lie about what I do to see if it changes how people respond to me being me… I have always been drawn to people’s stories, but I think that the point when I started to “read people” was when I began my own journey of healing not when I became a therapist. School taught me theories and interventions, it didn’t teach me to care or be vulnerable.
I’ve worked hard to understand myself, why I am the way I am and do what I do. I am constantly challenging myself to understand my reactions and how my past has impacted me. It has been a tough journey and one I hope to always be on…I don’t ever want to stop growing. Maybe it took me being comfortable with my own shame and struggle though to be comfortable with others’. I don’t shy away from tough feelings in others because I face my own. I also know this is where healing is; in our relationships with others, in our willingness to be vulnerable with others, robshare our stories, to accept support.
I guess this is why we are so afraid to listen and feel with another person because it means confronting our own pain. We throw around words like “I’m here for you” and we mean them but only kind of. We’re there if it’s comfortable or at a distance because we don’t know how to be there. We meet new people and we exchange information about ourselves but we don’t share who we are, we hide from vulnerability. By who we are, I mean our experience, our emotions, the raw realness. We put pretty bows on our pain and theirs. “…but I’m fine” or “it is what it is” and we change the subject. We don’t let ourselves know others because we’re afraid to know ourselves and we’re afraid that people will shy away from who we are if we did share it. We exist on the surface.
People are often thrown off when I point out their guardedness, validating it, or that they deflect or are protecting me from their pain. I don’t do it to analyze or evaluate, I do it because I’m listening. I can tell they have more to say or show and it’s okay. I do it to hold space because we all need space held. We need to know that we aren’t alone on our journey. We need to be seen. I do it because despite how hard it may be for people that have just met me to believe, I probably already care about them. I care about people, whether I’ve known them for years or minutes. We all have value, we all have journeys.
What would happen if we all started really listening? Listening to learn, to heal, to support, to challenge, to truly connect? Listening toourselves, our story and to others? How different would our world and our experience be? What if when we asked “how are you?” we were really asking how that person was? My people know, I always ask how they are, and until they know me and feel safe, they say a version of “good” because that’s what we do. How are you isn’t how are you, its hello. They know my next question is “real good” or “polite good”? Are you actually really good, or just saying good because it’s the polite answer? Because when I ask, I really want to know, not just with my people but anytime I ask. Let’s be honest, I also make people uncomfortable because if they ask me that question, I tell them. I don’t go into the whole story because I know they aren’t asking for that but it’s a challenge to myself to be real and genuine, to connect. It’s also a chance for me to validate that I don’t always have to be okay.
My hope for the you is that you learn to hold space for yourself and for others. To listen…really listen and to be listened to.
And trust me, if I’m listening to you and drawing you out, that’s not because I’m a therapist or because I’m evaluating you…therapists learn strategies and theories..and there are a lot of bad therapists out there, ask around. If I’m listening it’s because I care. If I’m “reading you” it’s because I see you and I hear you and I’m here for you, even if I hardly know you. That’s just me being me. And what I know, I didn’t learn in school, I learned from my own journey, because I’m not afraid if the darkness and mess anymore.