Something that my people hear a lot from me is “When we change and heal, we force people to change and heal with us, or stay the same without us”. In our life we fall into different roles; within our family, our friendships, at work, etc… It is impossible as we start to heal and change these roles for things around us to stay the same. For example, if I have always taken the blame in my family, as I heal, I may find that I’m unwilling to take the blame for what isn’t mine anymore (and better be able to identify what is and is not mine). My family cannot then, continue to function the same way because if I won’t take the blame, then who will? The roles we play therefore, have to start to shift. People begin to have to take responsibility for what they’ve done (see Shame Box) or to see me as something other than the scapegoat. However, before that shift occurs, generally peoples’ first reactions to our changes is to try to push us back into the role/box they know us in.
This can often feel disheartening, as it feels like the people around us don’t see or appreciate our healing journey…our progress, or that they don’t respect us. My people often talk about an increase in conflict initially as the people around them try to go back to what feels normal. It can also be challenging to hold firm to our new boundaries and expectations in light of the push back.
It is also hard because there is a risk in our journey to healing that the people we want to heal and change with us, don’t. As I said, the system(the group of people around us) cannot continue to function the same once one part begins to change. Therefore, if we don’t go back to our former role, and the people around us are unable to move with us, we may lose this/these relationship(s).
The good news, is when this happens, through our own healing, it does not feel like the same type of loss then as it would be now. This is because as we heal, what we think we deserve changes too and we begin to surround ourselves with people that raise us up rather than tear us down or hold us in our place.
More often than not, it seems to be though, that people begin to grow with us, which is a beautiful (and messy) thing. It’s important to note that this journey is not the same as trying to make someone change. We cannot make someone change…there is no such thing as the right thing to say or do that makes someone make change. What we can do though, is show them the path we are on and invite them to “meet us” on that path.
We shouldn’t have to step off of our path of healing to fit into someone’s life, that isn’t what is best for us (or them). It is true that they may not choose to meet you on that path, and that is about them, not you. Change and healing is scary and as you know, if you are on this journey, it takes work; it is not the path of least resistance. Sometimes, despite how badly we want someone to be ready to be on that journey with us, they just aren’t, but that is not because you aren’t good enough for them to want to try.
Allow yourself to shed the belief that someone else’s healing is your responsibility or that you have to put your journey aside because it’s easier for them. Walk your path, take care of yourself and offer the invitation…healing is worth it and while not everyone will “meet” you there, your relationships with the ones that do will be healthier, happier and more balanced.