This continues to be a post that is ever evolving as I am able to see more patterns evolve in the ways in which we work to escape our shame. This is now the consolidated post of all versions. I’ve added an asterisk (*) next to the ones that are new since 3.0.
I think we can all agree that Shame is by far one of the hardest emotions to tolerate and move through and, because of that, we go to great lengths to avoid experiencing it. Brene Brown defines shame as “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Shame is held deep within us and often we do whatever we can to not face it, feel it or share it. When we or others around us feel unable or unwilling to experience this Shame, we fall into patterns that unfortunately hurt others because we essentially ask them to carry our Shame for us. There are a couple sure fire ways to escape having to confront our Shame. My guess is you will first see this in others, and I will use an example below of responses you have probably heard. However, as you sit with it, if you are willing to be real with yourself, you will likely see the ways in which you may fall into these patterns as well. After I discuss each of them, I will also talk about how we can put boundaries in place to begin to change this dynamic.
So, you go to your partner, your parent, your child, your friend, your whoever, to share with them that whether they intended to or not, they did something that hurt you. That person feels unable or unwilling to experience the Shame that comes from hurting someone they care about or doing something that doesn’t line up with who they want to be, so they defend against this feeling of Shame. Let’s see how each one looks:
Blaming – “Well I wouldn’t have done what I did if you…”, “It’s because of what you did that I…”, “If you wouldn’t have…then…” time for you to apologize to me and I don’t have to be responsible for my own choices
Denial – “That isn’t what happened/You’re taking it out of context/You’re being overdramatic/It wasn’t what you’re making it out to be.” If I don’t acknowledge your reality, then I don’t have to acknowledge the effect I had on you
Deflecting – “Yeah, well what about that time that you…”, “Oh so it’s fine when you do it, remember when you…”, “Well what about when so-and-so…” yep, look over here, it’s not about me anymore!
Me Too – “Well I’m hurt too.”, “What about my feelings? Only yours matter?” it may be true that I’m also hurt and when I say this, I no longer have to acknowledge the pain I caused you
All=None – “I guess it’s ALL my fault/You’d be so much better if you’d never met me/I’m just a horrible person” taking all of the blame equates to taking none of the blame, not too mention, now I just pushed you into a role of protecting me. Insert “no you’re not, that’s not what I meant…”
Fragility (this is one that one of my people identified) – “Don’t you know how much I’m going through right now? How could you do this to me?” By communicating that they are not strong enough to handle any feedback, they can keep from experiencing their shame and similarly to above, actually lead the other person to feel like the aggressor that needs to come in save them from their feelings.
Dismissing/Minimizing – “Are you sure it isn’t just because you’re on your period?/You’re just young, wait until your older./It’s not even that big of a deal./You’re being overly sensitive.” your feelings aren’t valid so I don’t have to address them.
Attacking – “F*** you./You’re such an ass/etc” I don’t want to feel my pain so I will just hurt you instead.
Stonewalling – “…” I won’t even acknowledge or respond to what you are saying, like talking to a stone wall, maybe you’ll just give up and go away.
Fixing It – “That wasn’t what I meant by that, I won’t say anything like that it’s again, I was just trying…” maybe I can find a way to fix this and make it go away without having to actually sit with it (this is often a kind of frantic energy)
*Placating – “You’re right, I did that, I won’t do it again” if I just say what you want to hear maybe this can just go away
*Poking the bear – I don’t have a quote exactly but this is when someone subtly takes stabs or does things to upset you intentionally leading to a response from you. I can make it look like you’re the one that can’t handle your emotions then we can focus on that
*Semantics – “I wasn’t yelling, I may have raised my voice but it wasn’t yelling” if we focus on the words used, then we can argue about that instead of me having to hold responsibility for hurting you
*Gratitude (one that another of my people just identified a couple weeks ago) – “I did that but look how much stronger it made you/You wouldn’t be who you are without those experiences/It’s why you’re so good at your job now” sure I’ll own it but then let you know how actually I helped you and you should be thanking me
* Delaying (my son just identified this one) – “I am busy, can we do this later?” I don’t actually mean for this to come back up later and in fact, if you try to bring it up, well, I’ll find another reason why the conversation can’t happen, putting it off until you drop it
Sounding familiar yet?
The kicker in each of these, is they only work if there is someone on the other side willing to take it on. In each of these, “I” (whoever you are talking to) am not actually trying to hurt you (at least not really), I am just trying to not feel my own pain and confront what I feel like it says about me. As personal as it feels, it isn’t about you but rather my won struggle to experience my Shame. What gets really tricky is when we start firing back from this place of Shame on both sides.
Ever noticed that in an argument, you end up 10 miles away from where you started and can hardly remember what the argument was about? We tend to shotgun out blame and deflections and/or latch onto them, falling down the rabbit hole. The worst part about it is, in the end no one actually feels better. No one feels heard, valued or seen. Even if we manage to “win” the argument, no one wins. The only win is when we are able to connect with each other through our vulnerability (but yeah…that’s another topic entirely…hang with me. Things are very interconnected and trying to take it one step at a time.).
So the next question is always, “Okay, I see it, now what do I do about it?”.
If you see this pattern in your relationships and you are someone who is taking on others’ shame, it’s time to learn how to set some healthy boundaries. The lack of healthy boundaries can usually be seen when we begin to apologize for our feelings or experience, taking on the responsibility for the other person and making ourselves smaller, or firing it all right back at them. It’s important that we take responsibility for our actions but when we start to take responsibility for someone else’s or apologize because we got hurt, there’s a problem.
This can be tricky because we get so used to the pattern and we can be in it before we even realize it. I will continue to talk about healthy boundary setting as posts continue but here are some examples to get you started. We’ll start with a hurtful response for a request for help.
“I felt really hurt when I asked you to help clean and you just ignored me.”
Blaming- “Well I wouldn’t have ignored you if you wouldn’t have decided that when I’m playing my game was the best time to say something.”
Boundary setting: “I hear you saying that when you’re playing your game isn’t the best time to talk with you about things AND I don’t feel okay that you chose to ignore me.” or “I may not have handled things the best and that doesn’t make me responsible for the choice that you made and the fact that it hurt.”
Notice: I can still acknowledge the other person’s feeling and hold firm to the fact that I’m not responsible for their choice and it’s not okay. **Keep an eye out for my post on control versus influence which will further address this.
Denial- “That’s not even what happened, you have no reason to feel upset, you are just too sensitive.”
“We may perceive what happened differently, and that doesn’t change that I feel hurt.”
Bringing it back to the message you need to be heard. We don’t have to fight over the details, the emotional experience is still there. It can be all too easy to get pulled into he said/she said. It isn’t about the details, it’s about the experience.
Deflection- “Yeah well what about the time that I tried talking to you about our weekend plans and you were too busy on the phone to even acknowledge I existed.”
“It sounds like you may have felt hurt by things I’ve done, I’m open to hearing you. And right now I’d like to talk about this situation. Then we can talk about that situation because I want you to feel okay too.”
Me Too- “Yeah well I feel hurt too.”
“I want you to feel okay also and I want to talk about your feelings. And can we first come back to what I shared with you?”
This one is similar to deflection and when someone says “me too, they have invalidated and not truly heard or attended to the person who shared their hurt initially, leaving that person feeling rejected and unimportant. Once the initial hurt can be attended to then the other person’s pain can be attended to in the same way.
All=none- “That’s right, it’s all my fault. All I do is screw up.”
“What you heard isn’t what I said. What I did say, is I feel hurt from this experience.”
Fragility – “How could you bring this up right now, you know how much I have going on, I can’t handle any more stress.”
“I do know that you are going through a lot and I’m glad that we can support each other. After we’ve talked about this, I’d love to know ways I can help you through what’s going on for you.”
This one is best front loaded when possible if you know a person tends to default to this tactic but with a “I trust you to be able to handle this and hold space for me”, but sometimes, we’re already in it. Regardless, being able to acknowledge trust and appreciation for someone, helps them to step out of a place of defensiveness.
Dismissing/minimizing – “It was hardly ignoring, you’re too sensitive.”
“Even if you don’ think it’s a big deal, that doesn’t change that I feel hurt by it.”
Fixing/Placating – “It wasn’t that I was ignoring you, I was just really busy. Maybe you didn’t see me nod my head, look I’m cleaning now.”
“You may not have meant to hurt me and I’m still hurt.” or “I know you are trying to make things right, right now and I appreciate it, and I need to know that you understand how much it hurts to feel ignored.”
Attacking – “….name calling…criticizing character…etc”
“This is something that I need to talk you about and how you are speaking to me is not okay. If you aren’t ready to speak calmly and respectfully, we can try again later.”
Stonewalling – “…”
“You are welcome to ask for a break if you aren’t ready to discuss this yet and I need us to come back to it.”
Poking the bear – This may be making a joke, downplaying, nitpicking, sarcasm, things that on the surface to others may seem harmless but it’s based in the buttons the person knows you have.
“It seems like you aren’t in a space to hear me right now, let’s try talking again later.”
Delaying – “Look, I have to get this done, can we just talk later?”
“Our pattern has shown that the conversation won’t happen later, will you give me a time when we can check back in to make sure we address this?” -or- “I would really appreciate you taking time now, it doesn’t have to be a long conversation, I just would like to know that you heard me and we can come up with a plan moving forward.”
In attacking, poking the bear, delaying and stonewalling, the boundary is that the conversation will still be had, even if at a later time. You set the expectation that you will come back to it and your feelings are important. **Note: in cases of DV , situations need to be held in a way that ensure your safety. These recommendations are for relationships in which their is not a threat of violence.
Semantics – “I didn’t ignore you, I just didn’t respond.”
“Whether or not you would call it ignoring, it seems you know the behavior I’m saying was hurtful/you know what I’m ultimately meaning, and regardless of the words used, it was hurtful.”
Getting into a battle about vocabulary, especially when the person knows what you meant, is futile. Move on from the verbiage and onto the intention of your words, holding them accountable to addressing it.
Gratitude – “I was busy but look how great the house looks. If I would have helped, it wouldn’t look as good as it does and you wouldn’t feel so proud of yourself, knowing that you could do it.”
” I didn’t want to have to do it alone and I’m not better off because I had to. I would appreciate you being able to hold space for how much it hurt that you chose to just ignore me and not help.”
Hopefully, you’re starting to catch on. It is a lot about setting a boundary of not owning what isn’t yours and keeping the conversation focused. In each of these cases, we don’t take on the Shame for the person who hurt us. We can still support them and attend to their experience but we are asking to be heard. We can also still own our part, that does not justify theirs though, much like their actions do not justify our own.
Now, if you are brave enough to see this pattern in yourself, now you know the cues to watch out for. When you notice you’re falling into one of these, take it as information that you are hurting and afraid to go to the Shame. Slow yourself down, and consider what is fueling that Shame and then you can decide what to do with it. It may mean that you need to take a moment or that you need to focus on what’s being said rather than what you think you hear. Later on, I’ll also share some communication strategies to help ensure that we are listening and that we are being heard.
Whew, that was a heavy one. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions. I love the discussion around all of this and want to be able to help clarify as well. Or do you see any that we haven’t identified yet?