Yesterday, I pointed out with one of my people that after beginning to open up a lot, they were pulling back again. This is something I expect in my relationships with others, especially with people who have been hurt consistently. We all so desperately want to feel supported, safe, non-judged, and heard. However, we also fear having that kind of a relationship and losing it, and we believe that we will because we aren’t enough or don’t deserve to have it. We start to believe that everyone will leave us if they truly see us because they will see us the way we see us.
We’ve also learned we can’t trust it. It starts out as kids, we’re hurt, scared, sad, angry…we go to our parents or someone else for support and we are told it’s not that bad, to get over it or we see the hurt in their eyes because we hurt and we blame ourselves. We start to build the wall. We build the wall to protect others from us and also to protect ourselves from them. We smile, we say we’re okay…and as much as we build that wall to keep others out, we are also desperately hoping that they care enough to see past it and push it down. Every time they don’t, we build the wall a little taller. Sure on one hand, the taller it gets the harder it is for people to see through it but then at least we can feel in control of it. “People don’t see me because I don’t let them.” All the while, still hurting because they don’t…at our core we really hope we will be seen. We get so good at keeping people away because we feel that we have to. We have learned that counting on people is unfair to them or will just set us up for failure and loss.
“My people” often follow the same trajectory. They come in guarded, ready for me to be one more person that believes them when they say that “really they are fine, what they’ve been through isn’t that big of a deal and they know they just need to get over it”. That doesn’t work though more often than not. I see them…really see them. It feels scary to be seen but it’s also a relief. They matter enough that someone is pushing the wall down, they don’t have to put words to it, they don’t have to invite me in. Then, there is the anger that it’s me that sees them…not their family, not their friends, not their spouse, not the countless people in their lives that they needed to see that weren’t okay. Why of all people is it me?
They begin to trust me as they get to know me and know that what I say, I genuinely mean. They begin to feel that maybe, just maybe, someone can be there. Then comes the fear again…sure so far I’ve handled it, they haven’t been too much for me, they don’t feel judged, but there is so much that I still don’t know. They worry that I’m getting too close to the darkest places inside of them, I will see what they see. They start to worry that this thing they have started to feel they have… support…they could lose. They start to hold back again, they worry about being a burden, they worry about me leaving as they feel so many before me have. And it all makes sense…we’re human. The pull away, they try to push me away. They want to have control over the inevitable loss. But what if this doesn’t end the way they expect? What if they do have judgement, condition-free support? They need to test it though, the way we all test so many of our relationships. This is a point where as I stand firm in my support, as I push back, they start to hopefully see that I mean it, I’m here.
This doesn’t just happen in my office but I think is a pattern we all play out with others.
When what we know is people not seeing, people leaving (even if we know we pushed them away or didn’t let them in); we feel ready for history to repeat itself. I also challenge you that if you never let someone in, how will you know if you have them? How do you truly know they will leave? How do you know that even if they leave, that what you have in the time you have them, will be worth it even if it doesn’t last forever? I also wonder how we can expect the people in our lives to know that when we say “go away” what we mean is “please don’t leave me” or when we say “I’m fine” we mean, “please don’t believe me, I feel like I’m dying inside”?
So I guess this is a double sided challenge….
Challenge 1: Give people a chance to see you. Yes, they may let you down… and, they also may not. If they don’t, you get to feel supported and not alone. You get to have what you have have needed so desperately…to feel you matter. **It is also okay to give people a road map for what we need instead of expecting them to know. Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you’re upset you need to be alone, other times you need to be distracted, and yet another time you need someone to listen? So, if we don’t always even know what we need, how can we expect other to know? As Brene Brown says, not everyone deserves to hear our story but when we find someone who does, we need to share it. Sometimes people can surprise us.
I have absolutely walked to my husband and said “look I had a rough day, I don’t need you to fix it, I just need you to hear me and let me be angry” or “I’m not okay and I’m not ready to talk or think about it, can we talk about your day?”. This ensures that I get the support he needs and he give the support he wants to give in a way that I can accept it.
Challenge 2: I also challenge you to start to look at those around you and consider what they are saying in what they aren’t saying. Let people know that you are there…not in the cliched way that we tell people to call us if we need anything knowing they won’t and we aren’t necessarily ready for them to. Do it genuinely, letting someone know that you can hold space for them. Understand that we are all fighting battles that can’t be seen. Give grace…to others, to yourself. Be patient…with others and with yourself. Learn to hold space…not fix it, not explain it away, just be there. If you don’t know how, take a note from Sadness in Inside Out. Instead of being Joy, instead of trying to “make it better”, acknowledge that it’s not and they aren’t alone.
My final note and I need you to hear this as much as you can in this moment – YOU DESERVE TO BE SUPPORTED. YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER THAN YOU DO. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ALONE IN THIS. I know this may be hard for you to hear and you feel like that if I only knew, then I would see that you don’t…and you’re wrong. You, all the messy, wounded, beautiful parts of you, all of you is in fact ENOUGH. No, not everyone will be there, not everyone will be able to support you the way you need but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t anyone that can. That also is more about them than it is you and that I can guarantee.